Only disconnect

After years of not wearing one, I recently bought myself a fairly cheap and very shiny new wristwatch. It does double duty, blinding my enemies with its ruthless, flashing glare and allowing me to learn the time of day without going anywhere near a digital device, most importantly my smartphone. The latter is obviously the greatest of its two awesome powers.

Slow loris is slow
It’s just a short step from wearing a Lorus wristwatch to inviting a slow loris to relax on your forearm. And then not going anywhere or doing anything for quite some time.

(I chose this watch by brand, but not for any of the reasons people more commonly chose one brand over another. I liked the name (Lorus), which made me think of slow lorises, and that made me imagine moving beyond mere slow food and straight into slow time.)

E.M. Forster clearly didn’t have in mind people tied to tiny computers each and every moment of the day when he urged us to “Only connect.” As someone who remembers life without computers and constant internet connectivity, I have a sense of what’s been lost: the quiet pleasure of receiving a handwritten letter in the mail; the ability or at least the possibility of only walking in the park, or of only hanging out with one’s dog or baby, or of only having dinner with someone amazing, or of only taking work calls at work on the work phone; the possibility of correcting a call centre employee’s pronunciation of my name or reminding same that marriage doesn’t necessarily mean the lady of the house has changed her name because this is, after all, the future (sort of); really never knowing what’s going to happen on that TV show tonight until actually watching it because there was no medium for conveying Terrible Spoilers.

Everyone seems to be on their phone all the time, in all places. If this is reality, surely I should accept it if I can’t embrace it; I should at least mind my own business. I generally do mind my own b, at least in purely practical terms, because while I may smirk and disapprove silently when I see a bored baby in a stroller being pushed along by someone yacking into their planet-sized iPhone 6, I don’t generally do or say anything about it.

(I confess that I have, on more than one occasion, but probably fewer than seven occasions, informed neglected diners in fancy restaurants of what a Captain Shitpanpake their date was for having a full-on strategy session on their phones while they sat twiddling their thumbs and looking uncomfortable.)

But I do get caught up in one beautiful and recurring daydream about inflicting even brief moments of disconnection upon passersby; it is a vision that is outrageous, curmudgeonly, dramatic and would probably be illegal if actually performed (which it hasn’t, at least not by me):

I imagine walking up to people and, somehow without hurting either them or myself, smacking their smartphones powerfully and gracefully out of their hands; of punting it high into the air, perhaps with a cricket mallet, where it hovers in slow motion, and glints in the sunlight before it spins and drops; of watching that phone fall suddenly to earth and land beneath the wheels of a remorseless and almost impossibly heavy transport truck; perhaps a transport truck shipping supplies between two black holes; heavy. And then instructing those astonished persons, in a stage whisper worthy of a manic Shakespearean actor afflicted with strep throat, “Now live. LIVE!!”

Of course, one just doesn’t (any of the above), for the most part. This is Canada; we can barely look each other in the face. But maybe the millennials will begin a revolution and instead of draft cards and bras, they’ll burn their mobile devices (or, even better, send them to earth-friendly recycling facilities and then go borrow a book from the library to cement that budding virtue). Or not. But damme if I don’t get an old-school Walkman and a fine camera that is really only a camera too, so that I need never take my fecking cell phone outside the house ever again.

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Jean says:

    Bravo Colleen! You’ve nailed it!

  2. Jean Melvin says:

    Bravo, Colleen! You’ve nailed it!

  3. Sylvia says:

    I’ve never thought of knocking a person’s phone out of her hands. But when I see someone walking towards me busily texting, I don’t get out of the way – I stop in front of her or him. Sometimes I have to shout to avoid being run into. Usually I get a good old Canadian “sorry”. I have a little emergency phone into which I feed a phone card when required. I will never have a proper cell phone. And a wristwatch.

    1. Colleen says:

      You’re hard-core…I only dream of throwing down any sort of gauntlet.

  4. heidenkind says:

    Did you see The Millenials sketch on SNL? I think we’re doomed.

    1. Colleen says:

      Checking it out now! But I think we’re probably doomed, yes.

  5. Stefanie says:

    I want a slow lorus! How could you ever ignore such a cute little face? Time would have to slow down making those great big eyes happy. All my stress and worries would melt away.

    I laughed at your urge to smack phones out of people’s hands. You are a much better person than I as my urge is to trip people, step on their phones, then leave them sobbing on the ground over the deceased while I stroll away with a big grin on my face and maybe a chipper “have a nice day!”

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