The definition of summer-time

Formal definition:The season of summer; the time that summer lasts. (Courtesy of the Oxford English Dictionary)

Ideal definition:
1. A time to sit back and unwind; a natural aphrodisiac; an air of love and of happiness.
2. A period of the year during which the following are likely to occur: drivers putting the car on cruise and laying back cuz this is summer-time (this is a tautology; nonetheless, it is true); girls dressing less and checking out the fellas to tell ’em who’s best; contrarily, girls so accoutered will wonder what you beepin’ at; the smell from a grill could spark off nostalgia; drivers going at two miles an hour so everybody sees you. (Courtesy of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince)

Accurate definition:An approximately 3-month period (between June and September) in which denizens of urban centres daily contemplate the following strategies for surviving and/or ignoring the polluted and hellish hot heat:

  •     twice daily cold showers
  •     twice daily cold shoulders to amorous and oblivious romantic partners
  •     constant drunkenness
  •     killing someone because the jail might very well be air-conditioned
  •     volunteering – not even asking to be paid – at Walmart because it might also have a/c
  •     re-enacting that scene in Jacob’s Ladder
  •     using frozen Deep & Delicious cakes as pillows…while they’re still in the freezer at the 7-11
  •     transfiguration and/or transubstantiation into Jesus and/or an ice sculpture
  •     getting athlete’s foot and pink eye from the hellions at the public pool
  •     taking Walt Disney off ice and wearing him as a fashionable summer scarf

That people live in places where the temperature exceeds 45 Celcius/113 F without every day committing mass murder is proof that humans are indeed profoundly spiritual beings, in spite of all the shit-headed things we do that suggest otherwise.

Now then, in the interests of transparency, there’s something you should know: almost all of the above is plagiarized. Luckily it’s only me I’m plagiarizing (from a blog I ran for awhile and then lost interest in). I was inspired to resurrect this little essay on the nature of our unfairest season after my run this morning. You see, at 6 am, when I bounded out of bed with an offensive amount of energy, it was already 33 C/91 F. That just ain’t right, and it’s getting worse and worse and my unfair city is under an extreme heat alert again. So, not only appropriate, but also something to help pass the time while I’m trapped inside all day for my health.


(I got this photo here)

6 Comments Add yours

  1. heidenkind says:

    That’s too bad, when I woke up it was 70F. 😉 The heat actually doesn’t bother me too much,but I live at high altitude so even when it’s super-hot it cools off quickly.

    1. Colleen says:

      That sounds so civilized! It’s very hard to breathe here right now…opening the front door is like opening the door to a hot oven! Good thing I’ve got lots to do inside today.

  2. Stefanie says:

    We are having the same weather! Do you get humidity too? We are hot and very humid with heat warnings galore. Kept us from going out to the community singalong at the park last night, stayed home in the air conditioning, played cribbage and ate homemade vegan ice cream instead. I think I might join that guy in the ice machine.

    1. Colleen says:

      Oh yes, the humidity here is awful; it raises the temperature by about 10C!! And because we live in a big city, it doesn’t cool at night–all the concrete absorbs the heat all day and then throws it off again at night. Even with the a/c on all night, we still wake up because we’re too warm. I love autumn so much.

      Ice cream and cribbage sounds like a sensible choice, on several levels. 🙂

  3. Thomas says:

    got snowed on a few days ago atop a mountaintop.

    1. Colleen says:

      Lucky bastard!

      It’s actually lovely here now…we had a super-awesome thunderstorm that broke the heat and life became beautiful again.

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